The Guilded Hand is a beautiful song!

I can’t do anything else when I feel very sad and angry. It is as if  I had a very heavy stone in my heart! At a time like this, all I can do is listen to music.  This happened to me today, and now finally I can do something.. I got better but I still cannot do anything what I have to do now, this is why I am writing this now.. so that I can have a peaceful state of mind!

To write something often brings me a better state of mind. In the process of writing, I can be more objective and more positive.

I have felt sad and angry because of something that happened to one of my loved ones. Whenever my loved ones get emotionally hurt by someone or have experienced something bad or unpleasant, I feel as if I were “them.” I sometimes emotionally merge with them. This “emotionally merge” thing happens to me when they get touched or are in great joy also.

In a situation like this, I get angry, sad, touched, or become happy with them, and sometimes I even cry with them.

In the case of today, he became sad and angry because a woman was rude and lacked sensitivity. I merged with him emotionally somehow, and his sadness and then anger were brought to me. At first I felt very sad but soon sadness turned to anger, and I started to think how I could revenge her instead of him (actually now that I calm down and think about the situation, what she did was not worth a revenge lol) and made a concrete plan, and then I told him this plan. Then suddenly he started laughing, saying “Oh, that would be too much!! What if she kills herself? Hahaha!”

He mentioned this. Whenever this kind of thing happens to me, I feel and think too intensively, much more intensively than they do, moreover in an extreme way, and this sometimes makes the situation look like somewhat unintentionally comical and makes them feel better emotionally.

He said he felt better and he would be able to manage this by himself. Funny thing is that I haven’t felt better yet, I still hold some kind of a grudge against the woman I have never met in my life lol

This kind of thing often happens to me and my loved ones.. my family and my closest friends.

This reminds me of something in Finland that happened to me and my other loved one. We went to the graveyard and visited a grave of my friend’s family. It was around Christmas (before or on the day of Christmas, I guess) I vividly remember that night. It was a very beautiful and solemn place. My friend suddenly started crying because she got deeply moved somehow. She said suddenly she got moved and she remembered my deceased mother who she had never met. Then I merged with her emotionally and somehow I also started crying with no reason!!

I wrote this listening to this song repeatedly. I thought this song might have made me feel better. I love this song! Beautiful song..  Hmm I feel a little bit better now? 😛

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My favorite actors..etc…. brought by my messy brain

Today I cannot concentrate on anything, and somehow my mood is really bad. On the day like this, from my experience, I know I should not meet anyone and I should stay in my room.

In the morning, I was just lying on the bed, waiting for this really messy mood to go away, but this never happened. My body aches a lot, and I took painkillers but they haven’t worked well.

I got a message from my friend this morning. She said I must be suffering from something, and my body should ache, which is correct actually, and she also wrote, don’t take any painkillers and don’t drink any alcohol, which somehow made me feel like taking them 😛  Whenever someone asks me to not do something, I strongly feel like doing “it” 😛  I know she is some kind of psychic or medium or whatever, but I was just like, fuck it! She is a really nice person, though. Even though I try not to believe anything related to astrology because of my ex-friend who hurt me a lot because of it, I sincerely care about what she advises me to do usually because I believe in her and I know she really cares about me. According to her, it´s almost full moon or something, and because I am deeply affected by the moon (she says my dominant planets are Neptune, Moon, and Mercury), I must suffer from 5th to 8th of November, which I partly have to agree, because my brain hasn’t just worked appropriately recently. She advised me about everything based on astrology, which makes me somehow irritated only because of what I had with my ex-friend who was into astrology. I prefer scientific things to astrological things, but if my friends who deeply care about me are into astrology, then at least I try to understand them, because they, I mean, my friends,  are really important for me, and well, as for some things about me, I am surprised to know that they are correct. Anyway, here in Europe, astrology is something very popular? In our German class, someone chose astrology for her or his presentation to make. Luckily, our teacher declined it 😛

At least in Europe, it seems astrology is something really important. In Japan, I think it’s a blood type, which I totally do not believe. My blood type is A, but people always think my blood type is O, which is totally wrong, and which is a proof that this blood type thing is a shit.  However, as for astrology, I have met people who said to me, “you were born in the middle or late February, right?”  many times….. which has been creepy somehow… which makes me somewhat open to those “who are into astrology”…

It seems there is a software or website that calculates your natal chart. According to my friends (they don’t know each other, but somehow they reached the same result), I am Pisces-dominant, even though I am Aquarius (sun sign). According to them, there are many planets other than sun to consider about. Anyway, they calculate so-called aspects (? I don´t know what they are exactly :P), and they got my planets… from all of them, they reached the same conclusion…

  1. I should be careful about taking drugs
  2. I should be careful about drinking alcohol
  3. I should be careful about delusion

As for 1, hmmm how??? I mean, I have taken medicine almost since I was born, and taking medicine is my daily activity… how should I be careful about them??? Yes, I have to admit that sometimes I take them too much and drink alcohol at the same time, and sometimes this makes me feel like flying but so what? Harmless!! and I don’t know the life living without any medicine. I am not addicted to any of them but I need them, because of my allergies.

As for 2, yes, I know I should be careful about alcohol. I am a very forgetful person and sometimes I forgot taking strong medicine for my allergies in the morning, and I drink alcohol and I get really high or low, but so what? I won’t kill anyone because of this. It would be I who would suffer from this.

As for 3, hmmm, yes. They mean delusion of a person or a situation.. and yes, sometimes… but I think it is not because I have Neptune in 7th house as they say, but because I easily believe in someone or some situation, and sometimes I have a bad sleep, that’s all 😛  but they say it is because of Neptune in 7th house… I don’t know what that means, but it’s about delusion?  and My friends sometimes say that my chart is similar to Kurt Cobain but oh, please don’t say that! It’s not so weird because his birthday is one week later than my birthday.. and maybe it’s just a coincidence! I think if your birthday is close to someone’s, then the birth chart might resemble each other???

They said, including my ex-friend who was into astrology, that my exs should have been born under water signs. And it was correct! 3 of them were Scorpio, more precisely, they were born in November, and the rest was Pisces.. but so what? maybe it’s just a coincidence? They all advised me to become friends with air signs like Libra, Gemini and Aquarius, but I have none around me at the moment LOL Like, my mother was Pisces and my father is Capricorn but they went well (or at least they didn’t get divorced). I guess signs are not so important for marriage!!!!

I regard something emotional and mental as more important than astrological stuff..

If he can accept me what I am and I can accept him what he is, then we can be together, I think.

I would instantly decide to get married or I would think , ohhhh he must be the one for me, if he knows this quote and who wrote this LOL ;

It was the possibility of darkness that made the day seem so bright.

This is one of my favorite quotes and, well, I have never met someone who knows this quote, where, I mean, which book you can find this, and who wrote this quote so far. Ohhh this way of thinking is a proof that I am a Pisces dominant according to my friends, but I don’t care!!! LOL


Recently I have had dreams in which someone holds me tight from behind. In Japan, it is said this dreams means something really good :) I hope something good will happen to me, or at least to my family :)

38% of alcohol is not that much to me, but it’s almost empty, and if I tell my friends about this, how would they react???? 😛 hahahahaha!!! With some anti-histamine, painkillers and alcohol with good music, I feel like I am in a heaven now 😀 hmmm I need someone to control me, just like my astrologist friends tells me??? Because I am a Pisces-dominant, I like to escape from the reality with alcohol and stuff like that, and I need someone who controls me… that’s what they sometimes say to me.. but I think I can control myself!!!  haha!!! I am OK with myself!

When I was younger, I drank a lot very often, I even took some exams with alcohol, and maybe this was a typical Pisces-dominant/Aquarius person’s behaviour, but not anymore.  I matured.!!! Hell yeah!!!!

Hmm I miss my mother a lot. ONLY SHE understood me very well. She often said that we are quite similar.. When she was young, she drank a looooot, for example.  She was also, according to my friends, Pisces-dominant, but she was very brave. I also want to become like her. Whenever I became nervous, she gave me good words.. .. I really miss her… I really really miss her.. I didn’t want her to die so young…at the age of 52! Usually, Japanese women die at the age of around 80!!! She died so young! F–k! She should have lived more!!!! She should have met my future husband! She had something to do for me and my family!!!

Only she could notice that I became nervous or I was about to reach the limit. Whenever that happened, she kindly said to me, “Hey, you need some good sleep. You are so sensitive to everything, but actually there is nothing you have to worry about. All you need is good sleep. Everything will go fine, I know. I will take care of everything. You don’t have to worry about anything. Just sleep tight.”

Just after her death, I couldn’t handle myself very well ,and drank too much, had too much escape… but not anymore…. I am very thankful to Austria for bringing me the right situation. Sometimes changing the situation, I mean, where you are, is good for you.

I know I need someone that can say like what my mom used to say to me. I need someone who are strong enough to advise me to do the better things… I know I am, sometimes or often, very stubborn and this is something it is difficult for you to change if you are mentally or emotionally weaker than me LOL because I know I am sometimes stupidly very stubborn LOL

Hmm I don’t know whether it is music that makes me feel like flying or it is schnapps that make me feel like floating…. haha!!

Actually I wanted to write my favorite actors today..

My favorite actors are..

  • Ethan Hawke
  • James McAvoy
  • Dennis Franz
  • Max Martini
  • Christian  Bale
  • Robert DeNiro
  • Steve McQueen
  • Vincent D’Onofrio
  • Nishida Toshiyuki

and.. I like Nishida Toshiyuki the best  <3

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Nightmare about earthworms

Lots of earthworms were crawling on my legs.. both legs, right and left legs.. from upper thighs to toes..

I also could feel them inside my legs. I could feel them crawling in my legs.

I said “oh my god, what the fuck is this? what is happening?”

I tried to shake off these earthworms from my legs again and again, I even scratched my legs a lot so that I could get rid of them, but these earthworms were somehow so tough and they came out from nowhere, one after another.

My legs were completely covered with these earthworms, and I couldn´t do anything for this.

Ohhh soooo disgusting xD

My mother once told me that whenever I had a nightmare, I should write it down, especially when the nightmare became the one which I couldn´t forget.

I genuinely loathe earthworms.

Basically I have nightmares.  On rare occasions, I have wonderful dreams.

I have dreams every night, and these dreams are very very vivid.

A friend of mine has dreams in black and white, but I have never seen that kind of dream. Dreams I have are always depicted in color.

My brother always has a sound sleep without any dream, and so does my father.

However, my mother, like me, also suffered from nightmares.

Yoga, meditation…. nothing has worked.

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My mother´s birthday…my family history..

If she had been still alive, we would have celebrated her 59th birthday today.

Today is a day for mourning.

This was one of the songs we played for her funeral. We played other songs, like Unforgiven by metallica, as well.

I sit in front of my laotop, drinking some beers and some Croatian alcohol, and listening to music now. I am trying to focus on what I should do, but I just cannot do anything.. soooo many memories are coming up one after another, I wish I couldn´t feel anything!

Women in my family don´t live so long… almost all of them passed away before they became 55 years old.

It is said that women in my family experience 3 crisises in their life – around 27 years old, around 39 years old and around 52 years old, and all the women in my family including myself spent their childhood in weak physical condition.

Some passed away when they were 27. Some including my grandmother passed away 39, and some including my mother passed away when they were 52. The woman who lived the longest passed away when she was 67 years old. That´s the longest.

I could survive “crisis at 27”, then next one is “crisis at 39”. I need to prepare myself for that.

When I was 5 years old, my grandmother on my mother´s side passed away, and she was the last one of “grand-something”.. I mean, grandmothers and grandfathers.

Therefore, basically, I cannot understand the feelings which many people have towards their grandmothers and grandfathers. My grandparents on my father´s side and my grandfather on my mother´s side had passed away long time before I was born.

One of my dreams is to take care of the grandparents or parents (or both!) of my husband! I couldn´t anything for my mother and my grandparents. Instead, I want to do something for my husband´s parents and grandparents 😀 I like to talk to those older people, actually. They are respectful and they know much more than I do. I can learn many many things from them!

Well, my husband should be mentally strong, because there is a high possibility that I would die before he dies!! haha 😛



Hmm just take a look at my family history a little bit so that i will not forget about it 😛


(My mother´s side)

grandmother (natural death with alzheimer)  / 67 years old

grandfather (apoplexia cerebri) / 67 years old

(My father´s side)

grandmother (leukemia) / 39 years old

grandfather (natural death) / 68 years old


My friend advised me to check the birth charts of my family. According to her, there should be some kind of rules.. well, I don´t believe this kind of thing basically, but let´s do it just for fun…. today is a mourning day for me! I just cannot focus on anything today… all those memories came back to me, just like the flood!

Somehow some of my friends are really interested in horoscope stuff, and they often send me some articles about my horoscope 😛 One of them sent me an Japanese article saying that those who have mercury in Pisces will get some good things related to their jobs and will be able to have good communication with people around them, and those who have mars in Pisces might be able to find a partner finally… in this period (until in the mid of April :P). I know they let me know this for a good reason..because they want to cheer me up.

Anyway, I hope something good will happen to me, because recently nothing good has happend to me!! lol


Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus and Mars

I let my friend know the birthdays of my family members, and she let me know the details.

(Grandma) Sun: Aries, Moon: Pisces, Mercury: Aries, Venus: Taurus, Mars: Aries、Cancer rising

It is said her personality was so intense. She was very calm basically but sometimes she did horrible (but funny) things to others (not to her family) 😛 She had a bad temper. She could not work because of her personality. She easily quit a job 😛 I was a good friend of her when I was a child, but we often tried to kill each other 😛 haha! She passed away when I was 5. I remember her funeral, and I remember that I took her bones after creamation. She was quite short, her height was only 145cm (but average among those Japanese born in this era).

(Grandpa) Sun: Cancer, Moon: Pisces, Mercury: Cancer, Venus: Cancer, Mars: Pisces, Libra rising

He was said to be the most handsome guy in the town. He was kind of an important person in the community, and he took care of everyone. He was always very caring to others, and every time my grandmother did something wrong ouside, he apologized instead of her 😛 It is said that everyone loved him. All the people who knew him say my brother are very resemblant to him. He was quite short, his height was only 153 cm (but average!). He and my mother had been best friends! It is said that he loved my grandmother and my mother the most.

(My Mom) Sun: Pisces, Moon: Capricorn, Mercury: Pisces, Venus: Aquarius, Mars: Taurus, Cancer rising

She was the last born child. She was cute :p She was kind of a problematic child when she was young, but later she became a nurse. She was the only person that completely understood me! She was soooo caring, kind but sometimes very strict. She had a bad temper. Everyone was afraid of her because of that 😛


(Grandma) Sun: Cancer, Moon: Gemini, Mercury: Cancer, Venus: Cancer, Mars: Pisces, Gemini rising

She was chosen as the most beautiful woman in the town many times, and quite famous for her beauty in the town. She had green eyes! She was also good at writing poems, and received prizes several times. It is said that she was very kind, and she was like an angel. She didn´t have a temper, she was always caring, sympathetic. She didn´t look like a Japanese.  Actually, in this area, it is not so uncommon to have european ancestors.  One of her ancestors is said to have been from Netherlands. It is said that my charcteristics is quite similar to hers 😛


(Grandpa) Sun:  Capricorn, Moon: Pisces, Mercury: Capricorn, Venus: Capricorn, Mars: Scorpio, Libra rising

He was said to be really handsome because he was very tall (190cm). He looked like an European. As I wrote above, it is not so uncommon to have european ancestors in this area in Japan.  He had suffered from depression for all his life. It is said that after my grandmother´s death, he didn´t care about his life and family anymore, his depression became worse and worse, and he just lived his life with worse depression till his end.

(My Dad) Sun: Capricorn, Moon: Capricorn, Mercury: Capricorn, Venus: Capricorn, Mars: Scorpio, Pisces rising

He is the last born child. He is still alive! He also has a bad temper!!!

(My Mom) + (My Dad)

(Me) Sun: Aquarius, Moon: Gemini, Mercury: Pisces, Venus: Aquarius, Mars: Pisces, Gemini rising

(My bother) Sun: Libra, Moon: Libra, Mercury: Scorpio, Venus: Capricorn, Mars: Scorpio, Taurus rising

My friend once told me that having Mercury and Mars in Pisces and Moon in Gemini really suck.

All I noticed is that there are no Virgo, Leo and Saggitarius in birth charts in my family 😛


Would this mean anything to astorologers??

My friend told me that my family must be very emotional. She called my family “Very emotional and intense family” 😛


When my parents had problems, my mother was the one that had a burst of anger at first and my father always kept slience, which made her much more furious. She often threw things to him, I remember she once threw a big stero to him 😛 haha! Oh she even threw a chair to him! Actually he also had a bad temper, and sometimes suddenly he became furious. In this case, he punched the wall and the wall got a hole. It´s not a domestic violence or something like that. It´s just a burst of anger for us. After this happened, they apologized to each other, and we all laughed. No one got hurt. Just things and walls sometimes got hurt 😛

I myself have never thrown things to anyone. When I get really furious at someone, I become very cold to her. I just say some several things that might hurt her a lot, and stay away from her, and never meet her again.. hihi 😛  but when I get angry, I might break something that belongs to me because I also have a bad temper :p I just hurt my things 😛

Anyway, alcohol makes me feel better, so I rarely get furious or angry 😛 hihi!


Happy Birthday, mom!! 😀 😀 😀



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A hand under the bed

There was a cut hand under the bed, completely white, pale cut hand with vivid red manicure nails.  At first it didn´t move.

I approached the bed. Suddenly it started moving and it came to me with scissors in it.

It stepped closer to me, and I took a stepback, then I bumped into a wall. There was no way out.

The hand tried to insert a scissor into the wrist of my left hand. It didn´t try to cut my wrist, but tried to insert a scissor into my wrist and move it there.

My wrist started bleeding.

I didn´t feel any pain, but I felt something weird in my wrist, not itch, not pain… I don´t know what that was.  Perhaps, some kind of numbness and tingling.

When I woke up, I could still feel this weird feeling.

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What was I doing when the Great East Japan Earthquake occurred??

As we commemorate the third anniversary of the Great East Japan Earthquake, together with the people gathered here today, I would like to again offer my deepest condolences to those who lost their lives in the disaster and their bereaved families.

The huge earthquake and tsunami that struck eastern Japan three years ago today left more than twenty thousand people dead or missing. Many people are still living under difficult conditions whether they are in the afflicted regions or in the places where they evacuated to. The nuclear power plant accident caused by the disaster is making some regions still off-limits because of radioactive contamination, forcing many people to leave the places where they used to live. It pains me greatly to think that so many people do not yet know when they can go back to their own homes.

In the past three years, people in the afflicted regions, still living under severe conditions, have overcome numerous difficulties with a strong sense of solidarity and made great efforts towards reconstruction. I am also heartened to see that many people, both at home and abroad, continue to support these efforts in various ways.

My thoughts go out to the afflicted people who must still be experiencing various hardships. In order to ensure that they can live in good health, and that they can live without losing hope, it is important that everyone’s hearts be with the afflicted for many years to come. It is my hope that people will never forget this disaster and hand down the lessons we learned to future generations, and foster a proper attitude towards disaster prevention, with the aim of making our country a safer place.

Address by His Majesty the Emperor on the Occasion of the Memorial Service to Commemorate the Third Anniversary of the Great East Japan Earthquake (March 11, 2014)

Today is the third anniversary of the Great East Japan Earthquake.

I lived in Kyoto at that time. I was with my brother on the first basement level in a shopping mall called Porta beneath Kyoto Station when it occurred.  Therefore we didn´t feel anyting when the first one hit.

When Great Hanshin Eathquake occured in 1995, when I was 13 years old at that time, I vividely remember that the floor, the house, things in the shelves were shaking a lot. We were sleeping and I made myself covered by Futon and protected myself.

Compared to this, the Great East Japan Earthquake was not that much, because Kyoto is far away from that area.

We went outside and went to a bus stop. Then the second one hit, but it was not that big, it seemed to be one of those normal eartuquakes. We were wating for the bus to come for 10 minutes or so, and we went in.

Then suddenly an old lady talked to me “Erai Jishinnga attannyatte? (I heard a big earthquake occurred, is it true?)”

I said to her, “Sakkinondesuka? Itsumonojishinnyattamitaidesukedo (You mean, the one that just occurred a few minutes ago? I think it´s just a normal one.)”

Then, another old lady talked to me, “Chauchau!! Erainonga okihattamitaiyade, tohokude! (No no, I heard a big earthquake hit in Tohoku area!”

An old gentleman said, “Oneechan, anta, keitaikanankade, nyuusuwo mirerunchau? (You can watch  a news with your mobile phone, right?)”

I watched a news and it said a big, really big earthquake hit in Tohoku area.

People in the bus started talking about this earthquake.


As soon as I came back home, I tured on TV and watched a news. Everything was about this earthquake.

At first, it said this earthquake caused about 40 deaths. Then a few hours later, it reached more than 100.

A  few hours later, the newscaster said more than 200 dead bodies were found on the coast, at the same time, the news showed us burning cities in Miyagi prefecture.

I was like, “more than 200 bodies? wow what´s happened?”

Then more and more dead bodies were found, and more and more people were missing.





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Terrible night

Last night was terrible.

It was kind of a hallucination or I guess it was a hypnopomic hallucination.

I saw some things shimmering in the darkness in my room. Deep blue color, and they were on the floor.

My focus was on them. I stared at them, then suddenly a shadow of a man entered my room. I was so terrified.

I thought it was a man because it was very tall.

He stood beside my bed. I felt something on my feet and my legs.  It was very warm but I was very terrified.

I still saw those things shimmering and they were still deep blue. I saw them but in fact I somehow thought that there were a lot of roses on the desk and someone would come to my room to clean it so that she could put flowers on the floor.

I felt the shadow touching my feet and legs, I saw some things shimmering blue, and at the same time I thought so.

It was so vivid.

I woke up, no, actually i was awake, and I looked at a clock and it was 3:30 in the morning.

I gradually realized that this was a dream or something like that, and not a reality.

I tured the light on, then everything disappeared.

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Depressive spring coming!!

Recently my body condtion has been not so good, so I had been mainly in my room. Yesterday I went out to get some food, and I could smell the smell of spring, the season I hate the most.

I don´t know whether it´s because spring has just come or not, but I just feel low. I try to be nice to others, though.

I just feel so low and somewhat numb, but still want to feel something, hopefully something great.

When I spend time with my friends, I feel ok. Maybe I just don`t want to go outside. I don´t want to smell anything outside in spring.

I feel like I had something like an iron ball in my heart or near my heart, which makes me so hard to step forward lol


Today I watched a movie called Atonement, in which James McAvoy appears. It was a good moive, but not something that gives me energy 😛


Atonement, postoponement, commandment, ointment,

Oh Ointment would be nice xD

Atonement Ointment!

haha 😛



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I had blue eyes in my dream

I had a strange dream today.

I ate a lot.. I forgot the details on what kind of food I ate in this dream, though.

In the end, I was surprised to see me existing in front of me..which means there were two “I” in this dream.

I looked at me with a look of surprise. ” Another I” also got a shocked look on its face with its mouth agape.

I was so surpised because “another I” had shimmering crystal-clear blue eyes!


Hmm it was a strange dream..

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Weird dreams

I have stayed in bed since last Thursday because I got a bad cold, and I had weird dreams several times.


1) Mother

My mother showed up in my dream. I don´t remember the details but I remember how I felt when I awoke from that dream.

She passed away 4 years ago, but in that dream, she was really fine, and very active.


2) Turtles in my mouth

I have kept more than 20 turtles since I was a child. Turtles are really important for me, and they are part of my family.

So, this dream was really shocking lol


This dream was something really disgusting.

There were two `I´s. I, who is myself, and the other I, who obesrves myself.. (this is difficult for me to explain xD)

I had 4 turtle eggs in my mouth. 3 of them successfully hatched in my mouth.

The rest also hatched in my mouth, but somehow this turtle wasn´t ready and it became sticky in my mouth.

It happened at the same time when those 3 turtles tried to walk in my mouth.

I felt them, and I also saw them (because there were two `I´s)

I woke up when  I felt like, `ohh what should I do.. this is so sticky..`


3) Me on a big ship (luxury liner)

In this dream, I was an elementary student whose inside was an adult. We went somewhere on a school trip.

I and two girls tried to escape from the group, and we made it.

We ran and ran. One of us said “Hey, Shino. I want to take you to a secret place, it´s a really nice and beautiful place. You must come with me.”  I was surprised and asked her “Where are you going?” The other girl took my hand and said “All you have to do is just follow her.”

We were in front of a luxury liner.

I said “I don´t have a ticket.”

Then, the girl who took us here said “I have already bought tickets for all of us. Here you are.”

She gave me a ticket. We went in, and we tried to find seats. This big ship was quite full.

It seemed there were no seats for us.

Then  the staff said to me, “You have a reservation ticket, so just try to find a seat whose number is on your ticket.”

The other girls had tickets but their tickets were not reservation tickets, and didn´t have numbers.

Only I could be seated.



Strange dreams..


Every time I had a dream about my mother, I felt down :(

I often feel that the world in a dream is way better than the world in this real world..

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new start

I was really upset when I found my blog was hacked by some Ar—c website!!!

I had to delete my blog and recreated it.


I have back-up files but it´s too big !! and somehow I cannot import these files to this new blog..

Anyway, I could import my diary I had written on LiveJournal :)



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I have just relaunched this blog!

I have a back-up file but it’s too big..

Anyway, I will try to move some articles I wrote for the previous version to this new blog.



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 My mother passed away on 6th March, after the long struggle with leukemia…
4 years ago, she was told about the leukemia that she had.

The doctor told her that she would live less than a month when he told her about the leukemia.
Since then, miracles had happened around her.
She lived 4 years!

I have been devastated by grief.
I just can’t believe that my mom passed away.
Oh, heck….time goes by sooooo slowly.

She had been a great fan of Metallica.
She asked me to play the song called "The Unforgiven"  throughout the funeral service.
According to her wishes, the funeral service was limited to family members, so we could do that.

My mom, my grandma and my friend all died of leukemia.
I myself had it at the age of 2.



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